Friday, December 9, 2011

PUNCHMEN

Have you ever tried to pull into a seemingly open parking spot only to find an empty shopping cart blocking your way? Have you ever been behind someone at a Redbox kiosk who was casually browsing through the entire selection, reading each description, while a line formed behind them? Have you ever made plans to meet up only to have that person nonchalantly waltz in 20 minutes after the appointed time without so much as a “Sorry I’m late”? How about a neighbor who has a late night loud party outside on a weeknight? And don’t get me started on Tommy Thompson cutting in the lunch line every day from 3rd through 6th grade. I mean who does he think he is?! Hey Tommy, there’s a line full of people back here! Real live human beings with feelings. We’re hungry too and want to get to the tetherball court before Jeffery McDougal hogs it for the rest of recess. I hope you die!

What was I talking about?

Oh right…jerks. The number of inconsiderate people in this world seems to be growing exponentially.

“Generation Me has grown up believing it's more important to 'do your own thing' than conform to the group. Unfortunately that also means people of this generation are more likely to be inconsiderate of other people.” -Jean Twenge

If this disturbing trend was confined to Generation Me then I could just chalk it up to a group of young punks and fear for our future. However, it’s people of all ages that are clamoring to do their own thing and leaving our social structure in ruins.

Thankfully my buddy Peder has come to our rescue. While on one of our daily BS sessions he fantasized of a revolutionary whim. He said it would be nice if he had a license to punch people who deserved it, sort of like a license to kill.

And there it was; a simple solution to this crisis of inconsideration. We empower Policemen to deal with those who’ve broken the law and we can empower Punchmen to deal with those who’ve broken a social contract.

The most egregious offenses generally come on the road so we’ll have to mobilize this new Social Order Crime Control Department (SOCCD). The SOCCD would also need a 9-11 type call center for inconsiderate emergencies at the office or in a shopping mall (we’d have to pay them quadruple time on Black Friday). Other than that the only cost would be a note pad to mark the offense so that the punched would have something to read while rubbing the throbbing pain on the side of their face.

Imagine with me, you are riding along in the right lane preparing to turn at the next intersection. Some guy in the left lane, on his cell phone, gets over in front of you as the light turns red. He is going straight so you have to wait for the light to change instead of turning right when it was safe to proceed because of this inconsiderate soul. Has he broken a law? No. Did he rob you of anything more than a few seconds of your day? No. Can you get over it without letting it impact you in any way? NO!

Wouldn’t it be nice, as you sat there behind this bozo, if lights flashed and sirens whaled and a Punchman pulled up beside him handed him a piece of paper and then punched him in the face? Yes, yes it would. Justice would be served and you could go about your day with a smile on your face while SeƱor Poopyhead would think twice about how his actions impact those around him.

Now application of this type of justice wouldn’t be so simple. It is twice as likely that the “he” in our story was a woman and the cell phone could have been, well a cell phone and/or, make-up or she was reaching for a CD or, my personal favorite, no external distraction whatsoever just lost in her own thoughts and not too concerned with the fact that she is operating a lethal hunk of metal traveling at high speeds on roads also occupied by other living breathing humans. But I digress…

My point is that nobody wants to see some dude punch a woman no matter what his title or her infraction. Obviously our female SOCCD members would handle female offenses. We’ll call them SLAP (Slapped Lady Alternative to Punch) officers as they’ll hand out only well deserved slaps to the face. Trust me this can be even more gratifying than a fist to the chops.

Then there’s the elderly. I live in one of the snowbird capitals of the world and, although nobody wants to say it, sometimes Meema and PopPop have earned a little chin music. I’m not suggesting that able bodied men and women go around roughing up G-paw or slapping down Granny. I’m not a monster. I purpose a group of senior citizen volunteers sort of like the Sun City Sheriff’s Posse. We’ll call them Citizen’s Cane as they’ll be allowed to cane one another. (Tell me you’re not smiling at the visual of an old guy with a light and siren on his motorized shopping cart waving a cane and chasing another old guy on his motorized shopping cart. Oh you’re smiling. You’re smil’n big time.)

Of course, like the police, warnings will obviously be an option and leniency granted to first time offenders but that’s not as fun as talking about people getting socked (or SOCCD) in the face.

Fortunately in these hard economic times government won’t be able to shoulder the financial burden of SOCCD and therefore won’t be able to get involved and screw it up. We’ll have to deputize civilians who are willing to stand up for the faceless masses that are wronged by the inconsiderate among us; those willing to shoulder the burden and swear an oath to uphold all that SOCCD stands for.

Punchmen Oath

I do solemnly declare upon my honour and conscience that I will act at all times to the best of my ability and knowledge in a manner befitting a Punchman (or Punchwoman)
I will preserve the dignity and will respect the rights of all individuals as I strike them with my God-given appendage of justice (or as I cane them or slap them silly)
I will discharge my duties with integrity and will promote understanding and consideration
I will exercise my authority as a Punchman (or Punchwoman) in the manner intended by this blog
I will faithfully obey the orders of my superiors (Peder and Aaron) and will be ready to confront jerks, fools and a-holes in the line of duty
I will act with honesty, courtesy and regard for the welfare of others, unless they are inconsiderate in which case I will punch (slap or cane) them
I will act justly and impartially and with propriety towards my fellow punchers (slappers and caners) I will constantly strive to honour this oath in my service as a Punchman (or Punchwoman)

Now go. Go! Get them my pretties. And their little dog too.

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