Stop Ogling Women

I’ll get right down to it. Men, stop ogling women. It’s gross and you look like a creep.

With that said, women please understand something; men have the innate ability to spot an attractive woman. That is how he found you. The act of finding you did not rob him of this ability or blind him to all others. Oh and men, pretending that it did just cheapens both of you.

However, this ability to recognize an attractive woman does not mean you don’t have to control yourself. You should refrain from leaping in the air, whistling and howling, while your eyes pop out of your head like a cartoon wolf. There are many reasons for suppressing such a reaction if for nothing else so you don’t look like a lunatic.

I am a man. When not with my family I spend most of my time in the company of other men, young and old. (That sounded bad. I just meant I hang out with guys. Don’t judge me.) On multiple occasions I have witnessed old men ogling women half their age. This immediately triggers my canned reproach, “Stop that. You disgust me.”

As for the young men whose company I keep (Why does it keep sounding like that?), I try to teach them that every young lady is somebody’s sister or daughter with the potential to be somebody’s wife and mother. I ask them, “Would you want somebody treating your (sister/daughter/wife/mother) that way?” The response invariably comes, “No.” To which I respond that we should keep in mind that every girl is somebody’s baby.

Don’t get me wrong this is no easy task for two reasons. 1) There’s a reason that one of the adjectives for a beautiful woman is stunning. A man can find himself gawking at a woman without even realizing it. Honestly, it sounds like an excuse but it’s not. And B) there are women who have every intention of flaunting what the good Lord gave them. That is their right I suppose.

I’d like to tackle each of these separately. First, intent matters here boys. If a beautiful woman happens across your path there will inevitably be a Wow factor but that lasts only a second or two; anything longer than that and you’ve entered the creeper zone (If you start hearing Ferris Bueller’s Oh Yeah in your head that’s a giveaway you’ve gone too far). Let me say it is not okay to objectify women in any way. Even in cases where they clearly don’t have respect for themselves that does not give us freedom to be disrespectful. Be a man. Know who you are and remember who they are, whether or not they act like they know. No excuses.

Second, Mademoiselles you can help here. While we have the responsibility to control ourselves no matter what, you can make that so much easier by dressing modestly. I’m not saying you have to wear a hijab or anything but short skirts and cleavage are going to attract our attention like a monkey to a shiny watch. Don’t hang your junk out there for the world to see and then feign offense when some dude stares at you. Help us respect you by respecting yourself.

This message is intended for all men but I’d like to particularly address married men. You are under no circumstances allowed to stare, gaze, gape, gawk, peer, leer, ogle or peep at another woman, EVER. I will jack stomp the next guy who says it’s okay to “look at the menu” because it’s not like he’s going to order. That’s the stupidest analogy I’ve ever heard. What are you doing at that “restaurant” anyway? Go home. There’s no menu there, you just choose from what you’ve already got in the house. Imagine how you’d feel if your wife went around squeezing guys buns and saying, “What? I’m not going to buy it I was just seeing if it was ripe.” For you it’s more than not being disrespectful it’s being considerate of the woman you love. FYI ladies, for those of you wondering I’m rock’n two ripe melons. BOOM! BAM! (The woman I love is no doubt shaking her head right now)

Let me be clear, this goes for women who are up close and personal as well as the women you see on film and in print. Just because she’s famous doesn’t mean she’s not somebody’s little girl. Just because, to a degree, she makes a living having people look at her doesn’t mean you’ve got free reign to be a scoundrel.

Since I know, in some cases, I’m address the lowest common denominator among us and all appeals for reason will fall on deaf ears I’ll make my final case for the worst possible reason to refrain from ogling. Guys, there is no scenario where you look cool checking somebody out. You always come off looking like a putz. It’s pathetic. Not to mention you give them all the power. So quit it.


One last thing. Ladies, feel free to ogle us all you want. We’re not offended in the least. Our self esteem is low enough that we don’t care and crave the attention, so gawk away. We’ll even shake what our mothers gave us upon request.

That is all.

Mean Girls

Growing up we’re taught that boys are made of “snips (whatever that is) and snails and puppy dog tails” and girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice”.

Well isn’t that special. The only problem with that is it’s a big fat lie. We’ve all met sweet girls (I married one) and spicy women that is true but, individually and as a whole, women are anything but nice.

Am I nervous about writing that? Do I fear the repercussions of my actions? Is there any chance I’m wrong and have simply misjudged this fairer gender? Yes, yes, and no.

I’ve put off writing this for months in order to be sure of what I wanted to say and that it was at least based in truth. (And because of the fears listed in the paragraph above) I write this now with the hope for a positive change for women everywhere.

This is born of no ill treatment I’ve received from women. On the contrary I feel that by and large men tend to get their fair share of sugar and spice and, ya know, nice. I’m not even here to question the motives behind said niceness heaped upon mankind. (I’ll save that for a different time)

No ladies, I’m here to ask a simple question, “Why are you so awful to each other?”

As I was formulating my thoughts on this topic I came across an article on how women are viewed in the workplace written by a woman named Gini Dietrich, she said, “Here's the thing, though. We're our own worst enemies…We're catty, we're mean, and we're judgmental. We treat one another poorly, and we rarely support one another.”

That’s from one of your own, sisters.

Here’s an illustration of what I’m talking about. Say you have a friend who is overweight. That friend loses fifty pounds. If that friend were a guy his guy friends would say, “Dang man, you look great! What did you do to lose all that weight?” Furthermore they’d be genuinely happy for him. If a woman were to see this same man they’d say, “Wow, looking good! Did you lose weight?” And they’d be genuinely happy for him. However, if this friend were a woman…? First of all a man would say nothing for fear of overstepping his bounds and appearing to come on to her (single guys fearing rejection and guys in a relationship just fearing their companion). A woman would SAY, “Wow, you look great! What’s your secret?” (Implying something other than diet and exercise like bulimia, anorexia and/or a tummy tuck) Using every ounce of energy to force a smile and appear to be genuinely happy for her. Inside, regardless of her own dress size great or small, she’s begrudging the accomplishment and attention while simultaneously hating herself.

I think that’s where it starts too, with self. Women are so hard on themselves. They minimize their own assets and accomplishments while maximizing their own perceived flaws and imperfections. It’s no wonder that this cruelty extends to anyone with two X chromosomes.

For those of us with a Y chromosome, sure we can get down on ourselves from time to time but, for the most part we feel we can do no wrong. I’m a hefty approaching-middle-aged bald man; yet I step out of the shower, towel it up and stand in front of the mirror brushing my teeth humming I’m Sexy and I know It without a hint of irony. (I work out!)

Women on the other hand get as close as they can to the mirror inspecting every pore, worrying about every wrinkle and bemoaning the dark circles under their eyes. Everywhere they look they have impossible standards of flawlessness shoved in their faces. Picture “perfect” women on the cover of every women’s magazine. You know what’s on the cover of every guy’s magazine? Pictures of “perfect” women. Think about it.

This problem is perpetuated by their own attempts to cover up their “flaws”. Women go to great lengths to conceal not only their physical “imperfections” but they attempt to conceal their true nature, you know overcompensating with that sugar and spice stuff. Thus women actually believe that this woman or that woman is perfect and they somehow have failed.

I assure you that she is just as big a mess as you, in her own special way. We all live with challenges and insecurities. Just do the best you can and take care of yourself; chalk the rest (wrinkles, grey hair, etc.) up to a road map of your own personal journey in life. My giant butt is a landmark to my traveling companion on this earthly sojourn, bacon.

The physical appearance and skewed perspective stuff are just the most tangible examples. It goes deeper. Women cannot be happy for one another. They begrudge every achievement attained or fortune that befalls their fellow women and that includes close friends. And it’s not plain old envy or jealously either. Guys are envious and get jealous too. It’s more than that. It’s a special blend that can only come from womanhood. It’s…It’s like…It’s like boogers and lice and everything vice. I’m not saying women wish bad things on other women (although sometimes they do) they just don’t particularly care to see good things happen to them either.

I’ll end with a quote from Ms. Dietrich (show of hands: Who just judged her for being single? What is wrong with you? Haven’t you been listening?) and then a final plea. “If we [women] want things to change, that has to start with us. The next time you are faced with making a snap judgment about another woman, think twice. Support one another. Be kind. From there, change will happen.”

Now, stop being awful to each other.

***Disclaimer*** I wrote this with my wife’s full knowledge and blessing. She neither admits to these practices nor seeks to separate herself from her fellow women. She’s fine with me posting this with the understanding that she’ll offer me no protection when I’m inevitably attacked by womankind.

Guys, you’re up next. (Click here)

Care In The Least

Earlier this week I wrote about a powerful principle as it relates to the NBA and its fans. The more I thought about it the more I felt it deserved further consideration.

The principle of least interest goes like this, “In any relationship, the person who has the least interest has the greatest power.” - Willard Waller

There are two types are people in play here; those who understand and respect this principle and those who repeatedly fall victim to it.

Play back the relationships you’ve had in your life, look at the relationship you are in at the moment. Now tell me it’s not true. Liar!

I’m reminded of this daily as my wife owns me. It was over before it started. I was immediately smitten by her and longed to be near her. I gladly forfeit this power as I am overwhelming interested in her and her happiness.

There are times when it is out of our control. For instance, if you work for a large company odds are their interest in you being employed is less than your interest in having a job. Therefore it’s probably unwise to show up late in flip flops and a Hawaiian shirt to gut a fish on your desk unless your interest in being employed with them has waned.

Sometimes this power just swings naturally to us without thought or effort. If you really want Chinese food and would gladly dine alone and your friend wants Italian but really wants to talk with you over dinner, he’d better get his mind wrapped around dim sum and sweet and sour pork because that’s what he’ll be eating tonight.

Women are in the driver’s seat in one particular area that men care about infinitely more than they do. They will always have the power in this sextuation, I mean situation. Women will always have the power in this situation. [Apologies to any minors who may have been shocked or offended by the preceding sentences. That begs the question, why is a minor reading a 1,000 word article on interpersonal relationships? But I digress] Oh and guys don’t even bother trying to fake disinterest to retake the power. That’s like trying to outlast a camel in the desert. That hump’s got water for days and days, you will lose.

Relationships aren’t just about people close to us either. I love shopping for cars. Salesmen are crafty little devils, full of tricks. You go to them because you want something they’ve got and they know it. They will seek to create urgency and scarcity to drive up your level of interest and their level of power in this relationship. Understanding this principle is paramount to getting a good deal. Here’s a story to illustrate what I’m talking about.

Years ago I was looking to purchase my first car. I found an ad on cars.com for a used 1999 Isuzu Rodeo for $9,000. I called on it and went down to the dealership with my friend. We took it for a test drive and it was just what I was looking for. I really wanted this car. The salesman told me that there had been a mistake on the cars.com ad and that the Rodeo was actually $11,900. Shaking my printout at him I said, “Not for me it’s not.”

He agreed to honor my price after changing the price to $11,900 online right in front of me. I said, “Good deal. That’s still more than I want to pay.” He looked at me like I was a crazy person and started telling me that he had people lined up to look at this vehicle later that evening. At the time we were expecting our first child and I started telling him about all the diapers I’d soon be buying. He was unfazed.

After several entertaining minutes he’d come down a few hundred dollars but he was still a little higher than I wanted. I thanked him for his time and left my number with him saying I needed to sleep on it and we left.

I wanted that car and I thought I was getting a good deal but that’s not the point. I had called him and therefore he had the power. By leaving and forcing him to call me I could take back that power. I didn’t sleep all night as I thought about the fictional other buyers who no doubt had scooped up that killer deal leaving me wanting. My morning bowl of cereal tasted like emptiness and despair as I waited for the phone call. Many times I fought the urge to call him and see if the car was still available. Finally the phone rang and I heard the voice of Mr. Isuzu Sales Guy on the line. I pretended to not have been waiting for his call and half-heartedly committed to returning and talking about the Rodeo. As I hung up the phone an evil laugh involuntarily emitted from my person as I felt the power coursing through my veins. Oh the power, the absolute power! Ha ha ha haaaaaaa!

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, interest and power.

Of course there is risk with this kind of tactic as you may be dealing with someone who is truly less interested than you. You have to be prepared to lose out if that is the case [see above camel in the desert analogy].

The lesson here is temperament. Wanting something is fine but there’s no need to be reckless. If you’ve lost the upper hand in a relationship you’ve got no one to blame but yourself. Taking a relaxed or even an aloof approach sometimes is the wise path. Be cautious though because being indifferent or callous to someone you care about is just stupid.

The principle of least interest is like building a fire. You can’t just stack piles and piles of wood on and light a match, you’ll smother it. The fire needs fuel, it needs room to breathe. Put a little space between you and what you want, be willing to let it breathe, and before you know it you’ll be enjoying the warmth and light from the flames.

Dear NBA fans,

As the NBA owners and players sit in New York in an ego and greed driven standoff NBA fans sit at home powerlessly waiting to see who wins, knowing that whoever it is we’ve already lost.

We’ve lost games, we’ve lost respect, we’ve lost patience and, what should be alarming to the NBA, we’ve lost interest.

Willard Waller, a 20th century sociologist said, “In any relationship, the person who has the least interest has the greatest power.”

Sure the lockout features greedy millionaires fighting for dollars. To be fair to the players and owners the NBA economic system is clearly flawed and the players are just fighting for what they deem to be a fair deal. But this is about a relationship, not just between the players and owners but between a league and its fans. And all the fans want is basketball.

What’s become painfully transparent in all this is who has the power in this relationship. Where do all those millions of dollars they’re fighting for come from? The fans? Not directly. It comes from interest. Whether we shell out money for tickets and concessions or sit on our couches wearing team apparel and consuming beverages advertised at commercial breaks, interest fuels the league.

That interest, however, does not translate into power for the fans. Our interest in them, or rather their lack of interest in us, ultimately gives them the greater power.

As fans we care for teams and players on a level they will never care for us. We know the players names and when and where “our” team plays. We know exactly when we became a fan and why we stay one.

I once remarked while watching a game, “I hate that guy.” My friend turned to me and said, “Really? He doesn’t even know you’re alive.”

You see, as fans, we’re in a relationship where we’ll always come in last.

We buy jerseys or make signs to show our support. We check the scores and stats in the paper or follow them online. We sit in the stands like a love struck school girl and talk incessantly with friends and coworkers about “our” team when, at best, they are vaguely aware of our existence. We are their fan but to them we are one of thousands. While we are theirs they will never be ours.

Do the NBA owners and players care about their fans? Yes and no. Yes they care about the interest we generate in them and the league. That interest equals power and money. However, even if they wanted to, they can’t care for fans the way that fans care for them. This lockout has painfully illustrated that.

The Phoenix Suns are better than almost anyone at engaging their fans; their online presence and social media initiatives are second to none. The first day of the NBA lockout they were forced, along with every other team, to remove all images of players and were banned from using their names or referencing the lockout in any way.

Steve Nash famously tweeted, “NBA lockout day 1: Since player photos’ve been taken off team websites I’m having a garage sale of all my suns gear @canal and broadway. Cheap.”

Since then the Suns have posted pictures of former players and carefully worded poll questions about favorite past Suns team members. So the grownups can’t get along and of course it’s the kids that suffer. They continue to squabble over petty differences with little regard to its impact on us; all the while posting pictures of the good old days in the hopes we’ll still be around when they need us again.

The owners and players are banking on the fact that we will come back to them when they are ready. We have all the interest and they’ll have all the power. Like it or not that is the way this relationship will always work. The lockout didn’t cause that, it just shed new light on it.

When it’s all said and done and they’ve divided up the money and opened their doors once more and professional basketball returns they’ll no doubt try to reconcile with fans. The question we fans will have to ask ourselves, knowing now where we stand, is do we still want to be in this relationship?

Men's Lib

Catching up with some old friend’s at lunch this past week I came to a disturbing realization. My friend rides motorcycles, has for years, and he rides with a group of buddies. Talking about a trip they took he stated, in a matter of fact way, his friend doesn’t ride in the rain anymore because his wife “won’t let him”.

Won’t let him? This is a grown up man. Won’t let him?!

Immediately I recalled a running dialog my wife and I have while watching Pawn Stars on the History Channel. In nearly every episode some poor schmuck shows up with a highly sentimental item from his past that he’s trying to sell because his wife/girlfriend “won’t let him” keep it in the house or is “making him” get rid of it.

We think it’s kind of funny because usually it’s a pretty bizarre item or something that a grown man probably should not have. It wasn’t until talking with my friend though that I realized that I’d never seen a woman come into the store with something her husband/boyfriend “won’t let her” keep in the house or is “making her” get rid of.

Why doesn’t that door swing both ways?

I’m not ignorant of the progress that women have made in the last century or the unfair treatment they’ve received in the past. I’m not a chauvinist and have a tremendous amount of love and respect for women. I’m not a king of the castle, caveman mentality type either. However, it seems that scale has tipped ever-so-slowing and men now find themselves sliding off the back side.

Think about it. What if a man said to a woman, “I don’t want that in MY house” or “I don’t want you doing that anymore”? He’d be patted on the head like a toddler and given that ‘How cute. You have an opinion’ look.

When I brought up this injustice to my wife, not only did she not deny it, she smiled and said, “And I’ve had you change your shirt a time or two as well.” What the frack is that?! She might as well have stamped OWNED on my forehead.

I know this is a popular sentiment now with shows like Man Up and Last Man Standing on the new fall schedule. But I’m now talking about returning to some bygone era or reclaiming a lost machismo. I’m talking about regaining an equal footing in a world gone mad.

I’m not a fool either. I understand that women will be able to get away with things that we never will. For instance I would never tell my wife I didn’t like something she was wearing and order her to change it. I’m not suicidal. As much as a guy wants to look nice he will never care as much as a woman does about it so I’ll concede to the more passionate position.

We may not be the king of the castle but we should at least be a co-captain on the same team. It can’t be “her way or the highway”, it should be “which way is our way?”

If you want to keep your life sized Wookiee figurine, that you’ve had since adolescence, in the living room then I think there should be a definite dialog around that (or an intervention if civil discourse fails), but I don’t think Chewbacca should be thrown to the curb at her command.

Men if you enjoy playing rugby well into your 40’s even after multiple concussions and broken bones then I think your partner should be able to voice her displeasure at your pursuit of death and disability. I do not, however, think she has the final word on the matter and that you should abandon something you love because she “won’t let you” do it.

I’ve heard all the “secret of a happy life is a happy wife” or the key to a happy marriage is two words, “Yes, dear”. I get it but I think it’s gone a little too far. The best marital advice I ever got, besides never say “I bought you a cookbook”, came from my father-in-law. He said you’ve got to have compromise, sometimes that’s a 50/50 compromise and sometimes someone’s got to compromise 100%.

Listen, if you want a happy successful relationship you’ve got to respect your companion and her feelings. That goes both ways ladies. It’s time to stop this “I have spoken” attitude and find a place of compromise and mutual respect.

There’s probably some of you reading this right now thinking ‘I can’t believe she “let him” write this’. Well I’m a grown up man and I do as I please…and she said I could, so there.

Empty Headed Animal

Men like to pretend to be thoughtful. On occasion we’ll bring home flowers or candy. We’ll write a love note or bring home a card. We like the reaction and enjoy the adulation much like a toddler who learns to poop in the potty.

Women also like to pretend that men are thoughtful. You enjoy the heartfelt words expressed in pen and paper. You are delighted to open an unexpected gift from the wind beneath your wings. You love to brag on your man and how sensitive he is.

Here’s the truth. We brought you home something as a reflex action to something we saw or heard. Perhaps we saw it in a movie or on TV; possibly a coworker or neighbor had recently done something nice for his wife (no doubt as a reflex action to something he’d seen) and we wanted to do the same. The most probable reason is because you’ve dropped several not so subtle hints that such a gesture would be appreciated and it finally sunk through our thick skulls. Both of us erroneously believe that this idea sprung forth from some instinctual attentiveness. It’s not that we don’t love you or think about you; we do, it’s just that we’re incapable on our own of reaching that level of consideration.

There are those reading this right now who are thinking ‘Not my man, he’s so thoughtful’. He’s not. You are compiling a list of nice things he’s done for you “out of the blue” and formulating a comment to retort what I’ve said and defend this supposed thoughtful man. Let me just stop you right there.

It’s not that men don’t do thoughtful things. We do. That only perpetuates the illusion of thoughtfulness that later gets us into trouble. An expectation is set that will only lead to a letdown when you realize what an empty headed animal you are dealing with.

Case in point. Let’s say that, hypothetically, there is a day where it is customary to exchange gifts with those you love. It could be a jolly holiday just passed or a rapidly approaching day that might fall somewhere in the middle of February. In the course of preparing for this day you and your significant other discuss the whole arbitrary gift giving situation and through this discussion it is decided that you won’t get each other anything. This idea comes from the woman mind you because no man in his right mind would suggest such a thing. She may be motivated by the amount of money already spent on others or by a sincere feeling of contentment. It doesn’t matter. The point is an agreement is struck and both leave with an understanding of haud donum verto [that is Latin for I’m not getting you anything because that’s what you freak’n said we were doing].


In the words of Admiral Ackbar, “IT’S A TRAP!”

The man leaves the conversation fully confident in his love for her and her love for him. He feels a sense of relief not having to stress about what he’s going to get her and whether she’ll like it.

The woman leaves the conversation fully confident in her love for him and his love for her. She feels a sense of relief not having to stress about what she’s going to get him and whether he’ll like it. But then…

You start to think about how much he does for you and how much you care for him. You think of something he might like or need and the thought of him opening it. You then imagine that, although he agreed to it, he’d probably be disappointed if he didn’t have something to open (because deep down you know you would be). After all it is a small gift and he needs it anyway. You then buy it, wrap it and hide it. You smile to yourself thinking of how surprised he’ll be (and he will be surprised since you told him you weren’t getting him anything).

Meanwhile the man naïvely goes about his business barely aware that the holiday is approaching.

Now the day of reckoning arrives and to his horror he receives an unexpected gift while having nothing to offer in return. You’ll tell him not to feel bad and justify why the agreement you made didn’t really apply to this gift. You’ll tell him that you really didn’t want anything but he sees the mourning in your eyes.

It’s not mourning for the lack of a gift but rather mourning for the death of the thoughtful considerate man you both imagined.

It’s nobody’s fault really. We want to be thoughtful and you want to believe that we can be. The problem is that if not compelled or prompted to do something we will happily choose to do nothing.

Sadly, there is no electroshock therapy that will condition us to behave the way you wish we would (raise your hand if you just pictured your man strapped like a chimpanzee with an electroshock headband) (Now raise your hand if you just raised your hand) (Stop raising your hand I can’t see you).

I propose a plan to eliminate such frustration and disappointment. Ladies if you want something say so. We’ll be glad to do almost anything you want because we love you. Waiting around for us to discern what you want us to do is just frustrating for you and baffling to us because we seriously have not a clue. It’s a game that we are going to lose nearly every time because we’re ill-equipped to play.

If you want us to pick up our socks off the floor you are going to have to say something, probably many times. Angrily staring at the back of our head as we walk away isn’t going to make us think about our actions. If you want a bite of ice cream we’ve just scooped for ourselves then speak up because we’re not giving up that rocky roaded goodness on our own. You subsequently ceasing to speak to us doesn’t convey your thoughts it just makes us worried for what we’ve done…or haven’t done…or might have said…or didn’t say or notice...? Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, for the love of Flannigan Flynn just say what you want! We don’t know what you are thinking, we’re barely aware of what we are thinking.

If we thought about it we’d be just as disappointed in ourselves as you are.

Saying What We Mean

Once again I am here to help men/women communications. But first, a story.

I recently took a course on ethnic relations and multiculturalism (don’t stop reading I promise I’m going somewhere). It was an interesting class where we discussed societal issues and prejudices (if you feel yourself falling asleep just bite down hard on your tongue, that’s a trick I learned in this class). During one discussion we were asked how the subordinate position of women is similar to that of oppressed racial and ethnic minorities and also how they differ (I nearly fell asleep typing that but it’s about to get good, hang in there). After outlining some similarities I mentioned that one way I could see their positions being different is that, in some cases, women share an intimate relationship with a member of the majority group and therefore have influence and consideration that would not be given to an oppressed racial or ethnic minority. And then it happened…

A woman in the class launched into a full blown attack/tirade about what a stereotypical viewpoint this was. How men think that women are always trying to be subversive to “the system” by using their feminine wiles and that this attitude dated back to Adam and Eve. How a man can use persuasive argument to get what he wants but how a woman is never given the benefit of the doubt by what means she garnered such influence.

In the moment I sought to subdue her outburst by explaining that I meant “intimate” as in close personal relationship and that there is a difference between intimacy and sex. I simply stated that I meant that a woman might receive consideration from the majority group (like her feelings and general well being) that was not afforded to racial or ethnic minorities and that consideration is influence. Initially I chalked this up to semantics and went on with my life.

The more I thought about it, however, the more it bothered me that her reaction had been so severe to what I thought was a fairly benign comment. And then it happened…

An epiphany. It had little to do with what I said and more to do with what she applied to what I said. Everybody, man or woman, takes their experience and applies it to whatever they may be presented with. That’s human nature it’s how we form our perspective. Therein lies the rub.

Let me explain. Men are very simple creatures. Scientists say that humans are 96% similar to chimpanzees, in my experience that 4% difference is entirely you, ladies. Men are an uncomplicated thoughtless lot. We give little consideration to things other than food and intimate relations, by that I of course mean close personal relations (get your mind out of the gutter). If asked for an opinion we’ll say what we think. And by “what we think” I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really that’s what our communication boils down to.

Women on the other hand, of course I’m speaking as an expert here, you are incredibly complex. Before expressing your opinion in an instant you’ve considered your past and present experiences on the matter, who you are speaking to and their feelings on the topic, the thoughts and feelings of those who may or may not ever possibly hear what you are about to say, potential reactions based on those feeling and how to best state your answer in terms that will be broadly accepted. The synapses in your brain light up like the Fourth of July while we may barely generate enough sparks to light kindling. It’s a credit to your gender that with all the going on you are able to select a single response.

That being your experience, naturally, you don’t express all that you are thinking. Therefore when processing information you believe that there is more being left unsaid by others leaving more work to be done to get to the meaning of what was said. The expectation is not the same for us.

What you’ve got to understand is that we mean what we say and not a lot more. You are searching for meaning behind the words. You drill to depths that we shallow beings simply don’t have and when you find nothing you apply meaning of your own. All of that would be fine except that on occasion you apply meaning that gets us into trouble. We can do that on our own; we don’t need your help.

For those still unconvinced let me use this illustration; the word “fine”. As in “I’m fine”, “it’s fine”, “that looks fine”, etc. For a man the word fine has, tops, three or four meanings and that’s only because of the fairly recent edition of “Dang, girl! You look fine!” Otherwise “fine” would range somewhere between satisfactory and of superior quality. For a woman the word “fine” has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean ‘If I’m questioned again I’ll stab you in your sleep’.

If we tell you we like something it is because we actually like it or because not liking it will lead to unpleasantness from you. If you say you like something it can mean that you truly like it, you think we want you to like it, someone you know likes it and you don’t want them to hear that you said you didn’t like it, you think we think you thought you should like it because someone you know likes it and…AHHHHH! My brain hurts. It’s exhausting in there.

Here’s the bottom line. For women, you need to understand that what we say is what we mean. Sure there are underlying motives behind what we say or sometimes what we say is born out of our natural thoughtlessness but there isn’t a deep, penetrating meaning underneath. So stop looking because you won’t find it and please don’t feel the need to fill that void with meaning of your own that is going to make you angry at us. For men, understand that she didn’t believe a word of the previous three sentences and has completely disregarded them as the inane ramblings of a fool so like it or not you are going to have to start thinking about how you say what you mean. You are going to have to consider your audience and how your words will be perceived. That’s just the way it is.

Now let the communication begin.

***disclaimer*** This is in no way a reflection on my experience with my wife. She had foreknowledge of me writing on this topic and granted permission. Our communication and relationship are sound as is her knowledge of my love for her. Love ya boo.

Memo to Women: I don't get you.

In my life I’ve come to accept a handful of absolute truths. 1) You can’t name a food that I can’t improve with either bacon or chocolate. 2) I can gain weight easier than I can lose it (see No. 1 for confirmation). 3) Bleeping out swear words on TV makes me laugh, every time. 4) Most people, through no fault of their own, just annoy me. 5) I will never EVER understand women.

To be fair the list of things beyond my comprehension is long. Quantum physics, macro-economics, micro-economics, Yo Gabba Gabba and why some people actually like salad.

The difference is that I like to think if I put in enough time and effort I could come to at least a basic understanding of the above mentioned quandaries. Women, however, are an entirely different subject.

Even at a young age they perplexed me but I thought then with enough exposure I’d come to understand them. I foolishly believed that when I married one of them that the daily close up observance would enlighten me to their inner workings. Unfortunately the more I learn about them the less I understand. Recently I wrote about their inexplicable shoe fetish, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Ladies the way your minds work just astounds me. No offense but to an outside observer you all come off as, well, kind of crazy and interaction with your gender is a bit maddening. (By the way when you start a sentence with “No offense” you are not allowed to take offense to any ensuing statement no matter how offensive. That’s the rule.) Don’t get me wrong I think women are great and I love my wife dearly but seriously sometimes I think you all are conspiring to drive us insane.

Case in point, my wife has had a cough for some time now. I have repeatedly told her that she should go see the doctor. She resisted and I did not push it. This past week while I was out of town she visited with a couple of old friends. They also witnessed her coughing and her friend said “You should go get that checked out.” This was almost verbatim what I had told her a handful of times. Well guess what? She finally went to the doctor. Now I’m glad that she did but what the frack?! Why was my suggestion invalid but her friend’s counsel words of wisdom?

To further drive home the point she even posted this on her friend’s facebook wall “I went to the doctor. Bronchitis. Thanks for telling me to go.” AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

This situation was beautifully explained by one of my favorite TV shows, Scrubs. Yes the last few years of the show were dreadful but this gem came from the final season.

“A wife cannot hear logic from her husband. It must come from someone else; a friend, a stranger…Oprah.” – Dr. Perry Cox

If this recent cough-n-stance was an isolated incident then I could happily dismiss it but I’ve witnessed this phenomenon again and again. I’ve even been on the other side where my neighbor had made a suggestion to his wife which she rejected but when hearing through my wife that I had said the exact same thing she reconsidered. Why?!

Shouldn’t the information be judged on its own merit and not marginalized because it was spouted from the dolt that you call your husband?

Please, ladies, I beg you. If this is some carefully crafted worldwide conspiracy to cripple our mental faculties then we give. Call off the dogs. Have mercy. Stop the insanity.

Alas I fear this will not be the case and this universal struggle for understanding will inevitably be our downfall.

Guys, our only hope is to just accept this. Don’t try to understand it. Embrace the crazy like it’s a free chalupa. Do not attempt to fight it. Resistance is futile. Peel back one deranged layer and you’ll just be confronted with another. Trust me this is better left as is. With any relationship communication is paramount; so continue to talk, continue to share, continue (or start in some cases) to listen but stop trying to analyze their ways. That’s just what they want us to do. They’re trying to drive us mad, yes. That’s how they’re going to do it. They wants to break us. Drive us crazy. We mustn’t let them do it. No. No. We’ve gots to stay sharp. Yes. Keeps our wits about us. Yes, yes…yes.