Mount X-Mas Movies

I love Christmas time. A big part of the reason I love Christmas time is because of the movies. For me it really doesn’t feel like Christmas until I’ve consumed each of my favorite Holiday flicks. With that said, here’s my Mount Rushmore of X-Mas movies. Oh and you can save the angry emails about taking Christ out of Christmas. A) I went with X-Mas movies because Christ is not featured in any of these films, nor does he have a cameo. And 2) "X" comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the Greek word Χριστός, translated as "Christ". So just simmer down.


Mickey’s Christmas Carol

This Charles Dickens classic has been told and re-told. There are dozens of versions on film and for the most part they are all well done. For my money though nobody did it like Mickey and friends. First off it is the most child friendly version by far being that it is the least disturbing (no sickly orphans hiding under some dude’s robe). Scrooge McDuck plays the role he was born to play (literally, I mean the guy’s name is Scrooge). Watch that little mouseketeer Tiny Tim hobble over to old Ebeneezer and throw his arms around his neck and don’t tear up. I dare you.

Marley (Goofy): Ebenezer? Remember when I was alive I robbed from widows and swindled the poor?
Scrooge: Yes, and all in the same day. Oh, you had class, Jacob.
Marley (Goofy): Ha-yuk. Yup. Er, no, no! I was wrong. And so, as punishment, I'm forced to carry these heavy chains for eternity! Maybe even longer.

The Grinch

Another adaptation of a Christmas classic, from Dr Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The book is great and the cartoon is cute but this feature film is fantastic. Jim Carrey is amazing as the Grinch. Cindy Lou Who’s "Where Are You Christmas" is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. The Grinch back-story featuring the late Josh Ryan Evans was brilliant (Oh Martha, Oh Christmas!). For my money Ron Howard knock this one out of the park.

Quote: (The Grinch) “The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?”

A Christmas Story

1983 was a good year for me in the Christmas movie department with Mickey’s Christmas Carol AND A Christmas Story both launching that same Holiday season. Unlike my first two this one is an original. The story of a boy and his heartfelt desire for a Red Rider BB gun. You’ll shoot your eye out. The soft glow of electric sex. The queen mother of dirty word, the f--- word. Soap poisoning. The pink bunny suit. Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. It’s beyond classic, it’s timeless.

Quotes: “Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.” “My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.”

Elf

Another original story and my all time favorite Christmas movie. I smile through the whole thing and I never tire of watching it. I think I’m going to watch it again right after I post this. I’ve already paid homage to Will Ferrell’s performance in Mount Funny but it’s worth stating again he was miraculous as Buddy the Elf. Oh and Zooey Deschanel will have you singing "Baby It's Cold Outside" the rest of the day. It’s the story of a human raised by elves who passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, walked through the Lincoln Tunnel and saved Christmas. That’s right, aka AWESOME! The best part is it’s highly highly quotable.

Quotes: “I am a cotton-headed ninnymoggins!”
“So, good news! I saw a dog today!”
“I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up…”
“I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.”
“I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.”
“First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.”
“Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!”
“You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.”
You sit on a throne of lies!”
“I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.”
“Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...”
“What's a Christmas Gram? I want one!”

Movies I Like (Just Because)

I was flipping through the channels this weekend and The 13th Warrior was on. So I settled in to watch it for about the twentieth time. Lola likes to mock me for this because the rating system on our Dish gives it 1.5 stars out of 5. Anyway, it got me thinking about movies I like just because.

To give you some idea of where I'm coming from I firmly believe that all great movies have a headbutt in them. That's not to say that all movies with a headbutt in them are great but to get the highly coveted Aaron Blaylock Great Movie Stamp of Approval it must have a headbutt. Without it the movie can be really good or even really really good, just not great.

In addition a great movie must be quotable. If you can get through a movie without remembering a one liner or an emphatic statement or speech of some sort then it cannot be considered a great movie. Some of my favorite movies have no headbutt whatsoever but they are all quotable.

Alright, so I wouldn't put any of the following movies in my top 10 favorite movies, and none of them are winning any Academy Awards (unless they finally accept my incessant petitioning to create an award for Awesomeness), as a matter of fact I wouldn't even watch them unless they were on TV (for several reasons) but I like them...just because.

The 13th Warrior
An elite group of Viking warriors and an Arab poet take on a hoard of cannibals masquerading as bears. What's not to love?

This movie is filled with great lines and is from start to finish my favorite "guy movie".

My favorite quote is when Herger (a viking) throws a large sword to Eben (the Arab poet whom Herger calls "little brother")

Eben says, "I cannot lift this." Herger jubilantly replies, "Grow stronger."

And then there's this scene The Viking Death Prayer at the end:


Does it get better than that? I submit to you that it does not.

ConAir
Cameron Poe (a cool name by the way) is an Army Ranger who is sent to prison after accidentally killing a man while protecting his wife outside a bar. He is finally being released after years in prison and going home to see his wife and child, who he has never seen because she was born while he was in prison and he didn't want her to see him behind bars. The only problem is his ride home is on a plane full of high level pscychopaths that take over said plane. Poe, who is always in the wrong place at the wrong time, spends the rest of the movie repeatedly saving the day.

One of the subtlety funny things throughout the movie is the bunny that he is bringing home for his daughter; it becomes a point of contention several times with a couple of different bad guys. Leading to several unintentionally funny lines. "Put the bunny back in the box.", "Why couldn't you just put the bunny back in the box?" and "Make a move and the bunny gets it!"

John Malkovich is an outstanding lunatic in this movie and is the mastermind behind the plot to take over the plane. He is also very funny. Observe:



Soldier
A futurist society in which children are selected at birth and trained to be emotionless killing machines. Todd (played by Kurt Russell) and his fellow soldiers are replaced and discarded by the army in favor of genetically bread super-soldiers. Todd is abandoned on an isolated planet and taken in by a peaceful settlement of crash survivors. Just as he is expelled from the settlement because of their fear of him the army arrives on a training mission with the super-soldiers. Todd quickly returns to protect the settlement and in the process get even with the army.

The best line in the movie is as he prepares to engage these super-soldiers the woman who took him in says, "What are you going to do?" He replies, "I'm going to kill them all, sir." Good stuff.

Cobra
This is a wonderfully horrible movie. However, I have to include this movie for Stallone's glasses and toothpick alone.

Throw in the car and I start to waver on my stringent headbutt rule. This movie is grrrr...I can't do it. This movie is not even good but I've seen it (too ashamed to include the actual number) times.

As for quotables, all you have to say around me and the friends I grew up with to get us going is "Pretty hair." Classic.


The only thing these movies have in common is the schlub who can sit down and watch them pretty much whenever they are on...just because.